Ebay Auction - archived on owners' blog... funny, and true!!
I'm reprinting the auction here before Ebay takes it down.
I'm selling a bunch of Pokemon cards. Why? Because my kids sneaked
them into my shopping cart while at the grocery store and I ended up
buying them because I didn't notice they were there until we got home.
How could I have possibly not noticed they were in my cart, you ask?
Let me explain.
You haven't lived until you've gone grocery shopping with six kids in
tow. I would rather swim, covered in bait, through the English
Channel, be a contestant on Fear Factor when they're having pig brains
for lunch, or do fourth grade math than to take my six kids to the
grocery store. Because I absolutely detest grocery shopping, I tend to
put it off as long as possible. There comes a time, however, when
you're peering into your fridge and thinking, 'Hmmm, what can I make
with ketchup, Italian dressing, and half an onion,' that you decide
you cannot avoid going to the grocery store any longer. Before
beginning this most treacherous mission, I gather all the kids
together and give them "The Lecture".
"The Lecture" goes like this…
MOM: "We have to go to the grocery store."
KIDS: "Whine whine whine whine whine."
MOM: "Hey, I don't want to go either, but it's either that or we're
eating cream of onion-ketchup soup and drinking Italian dressing for
dinner tonight."
KIDS: "Whine whine whine whine whine."
MOM: "Now here are the rules: do not ask me for anything, do not poke
the packages of meat in the butcher section, do not test the laws of
physics and try to take out the bottom can in the pyramid shaped
display, do not play baseball with oranges in the produce section, and
most importantly, do not try to leave your brother at the store.
Again."
OK, the kids have been briefed. Time to go.
Once at the store, we grab not one, but two shopping carts. I wear the
baby in a sling and the two little children sit in the carts while I
push one cart and my oldest son pushes the other one. My oldest
daughter is not allowed to push a cart. Ever. Why? Because the last
time I let her push the cart, she smashed into my ankles so many
times, my feet had to be amputated by the end of our shopping trip.
This is not a good thing. You try running after a toddler with no feet
sometime.
At this point, a woman looks at our two carts and asks me, "Are they
all yours?" I answer good naturedly, "Yep!
"Oh my, you have your hands full."
"Yes, I do, but it's fun!" I say smiling. I've heard all this before.
In fact, I hear it every time I go anywhere with my brood.
We begin in the produce section where all these wonderfully,
artistically arranged pyramids of fruit stand. There is something so
irresistibly appealing about the apple on the bottom of the pile, that
a child cannot help but try to touch it. Much like a bug to a zapper,
the child is drawn to this piece of fruit. I turn around to the sounds
of apples cascading down the display and onto the floor. Like Indiana
Jones, there stands my son holding the all-consuming treasure that he
just HAD to get and gazing at me with this dumbfounded look as if to
say, "Did you see that??? Wow! I never thought that would happen!"
I give the offending child an exasperated sigh and say, "Didn't I tell
you, before we left, that I didn't want you taking stuff from the
bottom of the pile???"
"No. You said that you didn't want us to take a can from the bottom of
the pile. You didn't say anything about apples."
With superhuman effort, I resist the urge to send my child to the moon
and instead focus on the positive - my child actually listened to me
and remembered what I said!!! I make a mental note to be a little more
specific the next time I give the kids The Grocery Store Lecture.
A little old man looks at all of us and says, "Are all of those your kids?"
Thinking about the apple incident, I reply, "Nope. They just started
following me. I've never seen them before in my life."
OK, now onto the bakery section where everything smells so good, I'm
tempted to fill my cart with cookies and call it a day. Being on a
perpetual diet, I try to hurry past the assortment of pies, cakes,
breads, and pastries that have my children drooling. At this point the
chorus of "Can we gets" begins.
"Can we get donuts?"
"No."
"Can we get cupcakes?"
"No."
"Can we get muffins?"
"No."
"Can we get pie?"
"No."
You'd think they'd catch on by this point, but no, they're just getting started.
In the bakery, they're giving away free samples of coffee cake and of
course, my kids all take one. The toddler decides he doesn't like it
and proceeds to spit it out in my hand. (That's what moms do. We put
our hands in front of our children's mouths so they can spit stuff
into them. We'd rather carry around a handful of chewed up coffee
cake, than to have the child spit it out onto the floor. I'm not sure
why this is, but ask any mom and she'll tell you the same.) Of course,
there's no garbage can around, so I continue shopping one-handed while
searching for someplace to dispose of the regurgitated mess in my
hand.
In the meat department, a mother with one small baby asks me, "Wow!
Are all six yours?"
I answer her, "Yes, but I'm thinking of selling a couple of them."
(Still searching for a garbage can at this point.)
Ok, after the meat department, my kids' attention spans are spent.
They're done shopping at this point, but we aren't even halfway
through the store. This is about the time they like to start having
shopping cart races. And who may I thank for teaching them this fun
pastime? My seventh "child", also known as my husband. While I'm
picking out loaves of bread, the kids are running down the aisle
behind the carts in an effort to get us kicked out of the store. I put
to stop to that just as my son is about to crash head on into a giant
cardboard cut-out of a Keebler elf stacked with packages of cookies.
Ah! Yes! I find a small trash can by the coffee machine in the cereal
aisle and finally dump out the squishy contents of my hand. After
standing in the cereal aisle for an hour and a half while the kids
perused the various cereals, comparing the marshmallow and cheap,
plastic toy content of each box, I broke down and let them each pick
out a box. At any given time, we have twenty open boxes of cereal in
my house.
As this is going on, my toddler is playing Houdini and maneuvering his
little body out of the seat belt in an attempt to stand up in the
cart. I'm amazed the kid made it to his second birthday without
suffering a brain damaging head injury. In between trying to flip
himself out of the cart, he sucks on the metal bars of the shopping
cart. Mmmm, can you say "influenza"?
The shopping trip continues much like this. I break up fights between
the kids now and then and stoop down to pick up items that the toddler
has flung out of the cart. I desperately try to get everything on my
list without adding too many other goodies to the carts.
Somehow I manage to complete my shopping in under four hours and head
for the check-outs where my kids start in on a chorus of, "Can we have
candy?" What evil minded person decided it would be a good idea to put
a display of candy in the check-out lanes, right at a child's eye
level? Obviously someone who has never been shopping with children.
As I unload the carts, I notice many extra items that my kids have
sneaked in the carts unbeknownst to me. I remove a box of Twinkies, a
package of cupcakes, a bag of candy, and a can of cat food (we don't
even have a cat!). I somehow missed the box of Pokemon cards however
and ended up purchasing them unbeknownst to me. As I pay for my
purchases, the clerk looks at me, indicates my kids, and asks, "Are
they all yours?"
Frustrated, exhausted from my trip, sick to my stomach from writing
out a check for $289.53, dreading unloading all the groceries and
putting them away and tired of hearing that question, I look at the
clerk and answer her in my most sarcastic voice, "No. They're not
mine. I just go around the neighborhood gathering up kids to take to
the grocery store because it's so much more fun that way."
So, up for auction is an opened (they ripped open the box on the way
home from the store) package of Pokemon cards. There are 44 cards
total. They're in perfect condition, as I took them away from the
kiddos as soon as we got home from the store. Many of them say
"Energy". I tried carrying them around with me, but they didn't work.
I definitely didn't have any more energy than usual. One of them is
shiny. There are a few creature-like things on many of them. One is
called Pupitar. Hee hee hee Pupitar! (Oh no! My kids' sense of humor
is rubbing off on me!) Anyway, I don't think there's anything special
about any of these cards, but I'm very much not an authority on
Pokemon cards. I just know that I'm not letting my kids keep these as
a reward for their sneakiness.
Shipping is FREE on this item. Insurance is optional, but once I drop
the package at the post office, it is no longer my responsibility. For
example, if my son decides to pour a bottle of glue into the envelope,
or my daughter spills a glass of juice on the package, that's my
responsibility and I will fully refund your money. If, however, I take
the envelope to the post office and a disgruntled mail carrier sets
fire to it, a pack of wild dogs rip into it, or a mail sorting machine
shreds it, it's out of my hands, so you may want to add insurance. I
will leave feedback for you as soon as I've received your payment. I
will be happy to combine shipping on multiple items won within three
days. This comes from a smoke-free, pet-free, child-filled home.
Please ask me any questions before placing your bid. Happy bidding! :)
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